Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.