There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.