When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.