A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Men are as faithful as their options.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?