I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.