You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Men are as faithful as their options.