If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?