I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.