I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.