If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.