If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.