If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.