Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.