If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.