Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

No good deed goes unpunished.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.