If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.