Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.