The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.