All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.