You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!