I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.