War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.