Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.