If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.