Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.