When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.