The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.