And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money