A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.