If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.