No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.