God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.