If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.