I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.