It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.