A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.