It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity