I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.