My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.