Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.