When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.