I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Women are made to be loved not understood.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.