Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.