My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.