If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I drink to make other people more interesting.