Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Men are as faithful as their options.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.