The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.