You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.