I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.