If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?