A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.