Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.