When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.