One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.