You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.