In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.