It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?