Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.