Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.