If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.