He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm single because I was born that way.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.