Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.