There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.