If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.