Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.