I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.