That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.