The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.