I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.