The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.