Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.