The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.