I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!