I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.