A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.