My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.