The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.