A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.