I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!