Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.