You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.