I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.