My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.