There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.