I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.