Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.