When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.