If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Men are as faithful as their options.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.