My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.