You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.