In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.