I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.