Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.