You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.