Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Men are as faithful as their options.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.