Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.