I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.