I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.