If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.