He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.