Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I drink to make other people more interesting.