When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.