Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.