Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!