The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.