No good deed goes unpunished.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?