Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.