When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Men are as faithful as their options.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.