When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.