If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.