I drink to make other people more interesting.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.