Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.