Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.