It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.