Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.