To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.