Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?