I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

No good deed goes unpunished.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.