Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.