If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.