I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.