Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.