Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.