I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.