I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.