I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.