I will not join any club who will take me as a member
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.