A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.