I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.