The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.