Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.