Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm single because I was born that way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.