Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.