There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.