I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.