Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm single because I was born that way.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.