If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.