Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.