There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.