You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.