Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.