Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.