If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.