May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.