I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.