I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.