If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.