No good deed goes unpunished.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.