I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.