There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.