Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.