Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.