I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…