You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.