I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.