In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.