When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.