My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!