If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?