Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.