I drink to make other people more interesting.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.