Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Women are made to be loved not understood.