Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.