Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.