If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.