I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.