Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!