Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.