One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.