If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments