The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Women are made to be loved not understood.