When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.