Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?