I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down