I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.