A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.