Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.