Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.