The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.