I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.