The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.