I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.