We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.