Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.