Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.