Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.