I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.