If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.