Cynicism is humour in ill health.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.