I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.