The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.