Men are as faithful as their options.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.