I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.