Sex is an emotion in motion.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?