My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments