I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.