Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.