I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.