The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.