I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.