If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.