I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.