If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.