A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.