If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.