My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.