I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?