The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.