That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.