I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?