If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.