If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.