Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.