Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.