Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.