I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Men are as faithful as their options.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.