You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.