Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.