What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.