I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.