If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.