It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!