Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.