When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?