Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.