There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.