It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.