I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.