Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.