The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.