No good deed goes unpunished.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.