Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.