Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.