I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.