The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
No good deed goes unpunished.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.