If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.