I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.