Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.