We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.