I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.