He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.