The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down