The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.