Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

No good deed goes unpunished.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.