I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.