I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.