I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.