You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.