Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.