If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.