I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.