If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?