When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.