The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.