A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.