A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.