My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.