If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.