I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.