And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.