I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.