We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.