I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.