I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.