Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.