The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.