What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.