Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.