Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Men are as faithful as their options.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?