Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.