If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.