If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.