I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.