There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.