Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.