My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.