A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.