Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

No good deed goes unpunished.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.