I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.