If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.