There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member