It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I'm single because I was born that way.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.