Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.