If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.