Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.