We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.