If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity