Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Men are as faithful as their options.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.