I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.