If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.