When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.