My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Men are as faithful as their options.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.