You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.