If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.