The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.