He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.