But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.