When it is not in our power to determine what is true, we ought to follow what is most probable.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

All men are liable to error; and most men are, in many points, by passion or interest, under temptation to it.

Wine is wonderful stuff. But so many people are put off by the snobbery of it.

If the misery of the poor be caused not by the laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin.

Charity ... is the opium of the privileged.

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.

Your personal nature seeks its paradise.

Give them pleasure. The same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.

What do you despise? By this are you truly known.

Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive.

I just want to retire before I go senile because if I don't retire before I go senile, then I'll do more damage than good at that point.

You are like my little dog; when people see you, they know I am nearby.

The future ain't what it used to be.

The bat thought I was giving him the kiss of life!

Be that self which one truly is.

Fashion changes, but style endures.

Society is now one polished horde, Formed of two mighty tribes, The Bores and the Bored.